It will be three years come July 7 when I lost the person I most cherished in my life, my Mum.
It was on June 22 that I actually lost her as she slipped into a coma, never came out of it and went on to meet her maker at 10.04 on July 7 with me standing haplessly at her bedside.
That 30 minutes preceding to her demise was the only time I was with her alone at the hospital as in all past occasions I was in the company of other family members.
I can still remember the words of the nurse who walked up to me as I was typing on the key board of my laptop the match report for the World Hockey League Semi Finals held in Johor Baru.
As I walked in to the CCU, I saw the machines shutting down one by one as the blood pressure dropped and her heart stopped, all within 8 minutes. She went peacefully with me clutching her hands as tears streamed down my cheeks, as they are now while I pen this sitting on her bed in Tampin.
The whole world crumbled on me and it was that day I realised that we are nothing but just a breath away from death, miss one breath and we are just a memory.
Life has been extremely unkind to me since my Mum went, the pillar of my strength no more around for me to lean on, I had no one to lean on, no one to confide in and most importantly no one to love.
It left at devastating mark on me emotionally, something that I have never managed to overcome till today.
Many may see me as having overcome the loss, but only I know how I have faked happiness over the past three years. Never have I felt so alone over these years as I do today.
A year after I lost my Mum I was told I had diabetes and lost my small toe on April 2014. That led to numerous visits to the operation Theatres, a total of 4 overs two month period.
Losing my toe was it a shirting as losing all my jobs, especially in Hockey as vultures moved in to make the kill. I was left with nothing and struggled.
And a year later more woes as Doctors told me on April 22,2015 that my kidneys were no longer functioning to their ability and I had to start dialysis.
My world crumbled, the pain and suffering unbearable but I had to live for I had to care for my Dad. I had promised my Mum on her deathbed as I whispered for her that it was okay for her to go and meet her meet her maker as I would look after Dad.
That was not the end of my problems as I later started losing vision on my eyes and in September 2015 I underwent my first cornea transplant Abd it followed by another in April this year,
The vision was returning but alas my diabetes caused bleeding
behind my eyes and I had yo have injections into both my eyes that cost a bomb.
How could I carry on? Here I am jobless for the past two years,hardly earning a cent and surviving through the goodwill of friends not family.
I tried to get jobs, tried to secure things I could do, which is media services but time and again was played out by those who I sled friends in the past. These people are not worthy as friends as they merely are vultures that fly above, waiting to devour your flesh as you lay without any hope.
I am grateful to the former juniors of 199--1993 who got together to help me financially, helping me raise money which was used for my dialysis costs and cornea transplants. I also withdrew my EPF to help me through these tough times.
There have been individuals who helped me both financially and emotionally cope over the past two years as my family drifted away as today I am all alone, only my Dad to call family as my siblings, nephews and nieces all moved away, who wants to be associated with the "walking dead".
As I undergo dialysis three times a week, I watch others in the same boat as me, how they have their loved ones pick them up or spend the four hours sitting beside them sharing conversations and do forth as I sit on my chakras if condemned by God and society.
To my detractors, I ask you to do one thing, spend five hours sitting on a chair doing nothing. Try it and see if you can last one session. I do this 3 times a week Abd every Friday I do my dialysis at 6am so I can take the noon train to Tampin.
I have tried, pleased and begged for a job to fend for myself but Toño avail, so many influential persons in my life in the past but none lift a finger to help me as I have served my purpose to them, they got what they wanted so I am now a liability.
As I go through the days, hoping and praying silently that God ends this misery of mine so I can be reunited with Mum, I am reminded that my 84 year old Dad still needs me, that I made a vow to my Mum on that fateful day of July 7.
Over the past six months I have been promised jobs to do but it was just a way for these people yo further exploit me. Some used me over the years to get to where they are, some continue to do so, some wills entirely do the same.
I am fortunate in a way that after undergoing 12 operations in two years, I have a handful of people who are true friends, as they contact me regularly, keeping me sane with their encouragement and words of advice. I shall not name them as they know who they are, the same as those who know that mere words of theirs have caused me more pain.
So where now from here!
Well my life is razor thin, when money runs out so does dialysis and with that death comes knocking, maybe that's the best solution as many will be elated with that,
I have put off eye injections for its just money I do not have and have told myself that if I cannot earn it then do not spend it, so injections will wait till I get some jobs or turn blind, which ever comes first.
Look at the bright side though - at least I will no longer see the wickedness of this world.
To those who have promised to help or put sand in my rice owl, I beg God"s mercy for you as I pray that you do not undergo what I went through , that God gives you a chance to make good what you have done wrong,
As I wail in silence three years after losing my Mum, I want all to realise that we are what we are because of our parents. Love and cherish them as Long as we are fortunate to have them around, for we owe it to them to give them the best we can.
Happy Fathers Day to all and please take care.